How important is communication in a relationship? Does it matter what type of relationship? How about in a long distance relationship? What are the statistics and recommendations? Why does it matter to me?
I am in a long distance relationship and there seems to be a difference in opinion on how important communication is to the health and survivability of the relationship. I have been thinking about this very heavily for the past few days and will try to explore some of my thoughts on this using my history and the history of my partner without insinuating how my partner feels as that would be disrespectful to her.
I am sure we all have different levels of communication with our immediate family members like our parents and siblings. Depending on how close you are to each and the proximity allowing you to interact in person most likely affects the frequency of communication. For me I currently live in Europe, my father lives in Oregon, my mother and step-father lives in Colorado, my big brother lives in California, my big sister lives in Colorado, my daughter lives in Japan and my son lives in Hawaii. Needless to say I am not able to physically visit on any kind of regular basis. I attempt to visit each as often as possible, especially my aging parents, we communicate online using group chats and individual messaging with occasional phone calls for special occasions or significant events. This seems to work as each of us all have our own partners, families, jobs, and life circumstances. It helps that we are bound to each other because we are family and have an unspoken bond for life.
I also have friends. Some of my friends I communicate on a regular basis mostly using messaging and social media when we see something we feel we want to share or when time passes without communication we might reach out with a check in to see if everything is ok. I also have lifelong friends I do not communicate with on a regular basis but can pick up right where we left off after months, years, or decades of no communication at all. I have snapshots into these friends lives depending on what they push to social media and perhaps coincidental meet ups when we are in the same location. Some of these friends are past co-workers, schoolmates, and some are friends that shared a mutual interest.
But what about a girlfriend or boyfriend? What is the right level of communication? The answer is hard to pinpoint. These are people we have entered into a romantic and exclusive relationship with. When living in proximity or even in the same house there are challenges to strike the right level of communication and transparency that takes into consideration your partners needs and expectations without being controlling and maintaining a level above just a friendship or friend with benefits, many of these are entered into because the mutual attraction is strong enough to mutually want to be exclusive and dedicate yourself to each other. Sharing parts of your life you would not normally share with all other types of relationships. Sex is the easiest example but it also includes providing access to your partner you would not grant to others on a variety of levels. This also may or may not evolve to the level of mutual love for each other. Regardless, there is a defined difference between this person and all other people in your life.
Admittedly, every relationship is different and has its own uniqueness but in regards to communication with your partner, there is a level of generalization required. My thoughts on marriage is that it is a contractual relationship which may or may not be for love, religion, or other benefit. I do not need to be married to someone to treat them with respect, love, admiration, and consider them exclusively different from all other relationships. Part of this post will explore marriage importance or impacts on communication but mainly my views apply regardless. As a qualifier, I have been married twice and have been in several relationships of various types but this is my first long distance relationship.
My past relationships have been over a period of 35 years and span from the most limited to today’s communication options. We are fortunate we have the ability to communicate in a variety of forms to include phone calls, text messages, video calls, social media, and even memes. I have also dated when communication was limited to voice calls only. Today’s methods leave limited excuses when communication breaks down or is not meeting one or the others expectations. Constant access to so many instantaneous methods of communication really introduces two issues. The first is it demands personal responsibility when you do not communicate. The second is how difficult it is to disconnect from someone when needed even if it is just for a limited period for valid reasons.
In almost every relationship I played the role of the person who failed to communicate often enough or was not meeting my partners expectations. Mostly when I was younger and immature leading me to be either distracted or just not into the person enough to respect them. In all cases I have learned that there is never too much communication unless one or the other is just not as invested into the relationship. Every time I have fell short on my end was a result of lost interest, change of heart, or I learned something about my partner that was a deal breaker. I have been on the other end twice. The first time was my last marriage. The relationship began when the cellphone was being introduced and ended during a time where we have all methods of communication we enjoy today. For the majority of the relationship we enjoyed a healthy level of communication despite less available methods of communication. We both freely shared everything, always generally knew what each other was doing and who we were doing it with, and proactively shared with each other. I did not do this to control my partner or be controlled by my partner, although I suspect that was not the case for my partner. It was nice we knew enough about each other that there were few times where someone else knew more about my partner and I was rarely surprised to find out something I was not already aware of. I did not demand information from my partner, she provided it freely and willingly. But, without going into the details here, the relationship ended and one of the many issues that further eroded the failing relationship was that we stopped communicating. I ended the relationship because she was not willing to communicate about anything but conflict, money, or negative topics and demanded I restrict my communication with family and friends.
Almost all of my other relationships have resulted in various requests/demands of increased communication. Some reasonable, some not so reasonable. Regardless of the situation, I have learned that healthy communication in a variety of forms is good for a relationship and can avoid misunderstandings, strengthen bonds, and provide opportunities of elevate intimacy with each other. It is a great way to show your partner, who is the primary and priority person in your life at this moment, that you are thinking about them and making efforts to start or respond to you. That does not mean you sacrifice family time, friends, etc. to be able to communication with your partner. It also does not mean you have to be married or even headed in the direction of marriage to communication with your partner.
My current relationship is a long distance relationship where time zones finds us 12 hours apart from each other limiting realistic spontaneous communication. We are only able to video chat and/or message interactively for a few hours in the morning and a few hours in the evening unless one of us wakes up early or stays up late. On the weekends where we have more flexibility we try to not dominate each other’s time allowing time for other activities and events.
After a few months of messaging and daily morning and evening video calls, my partner and I discussed the lack of spontaneity and feelings of scheduled communication and agreed to not have expectations of dedicated times for video calls. Interestingly, we continued with the same level of communication. We both discussed and agreed that one of the benefits of our long distance relationship was the opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level, with the physical attraction downplayed, than we might not have accomplished otherwise. As our relationship evolved, these conversations began to be less deep and more about daily events, plans for the future, mutual interests, etc. Which is important communication to allow for each other to be a part of each other’s lives despite the distance.
Recently, we readdressed this. I started to notice a marked difference in how she was communicating and a complete reluctance to be intimate over video or in chat, avoiding flirtation altogether. Most conversations were emotionless and dry, leaving me feeling like I was bothering her. I tried to respect this by ending conversations when it seemed like we were not talking about something important. My partner decided to ghost me for an entire day and not even read my messages or answer my calls. This led to another discussion about how she would prefer to communicate. The conversation began because she could tell her ignoring me was one of my triggers. I shared with her that I was disappointed in her for not even thinking enough about me to read my messages or take a few seconds to send a reply. I also let her know I also do not want our communication to be scheduled despite the limitations of our time zones and am open to altering it. She cited her previous three long distance relationships (all of which were not exclusive) that they would often go one or two months without speaking so when they did the conversations were memorable. I definitely did not appreciate the comparison but kept an open mind as I lack real experience in long distance relationships. She indicated that the times we are together are great and memorable times but she does not remember our conversations in the same way. She also stated she does not like to talk on the phone and/or video chat and it is taking too much of her time and becoming a challenge for her.
I tried to let her know I love her and look forward to any opportunity to communicate with her and it seems she does not have the same feelings (I was not questioning her love for me, I was questioning her feelings on communication). For me, remembering the content of our conversations is less important than knowing my partner was thinking about me and making the effort to communicate. I think it is ok to communicate about random things in the world, our daily plans, etc. This is not a control technique, I have never asked her to change or stop doing something, only after she has made a change I revealed if it bothered me. I suspect she looks at it that was. After a tense conversation and clearing up some misunderstandings, I asked her what she wants. I reminded her that there are two people in this relationship and I also have my own feelings. I agreed with her that there is always improvements we can do and try and I am willing to try almost anything. I was clear that communicating once or twice a month or even once a week is not a starter for me as was the case in her past long distance relationships which she seemed to want to replicate with me. I was clear that we are in an emotional romantic exclusive relationship and we are not fuck buddies. We ended the conversation without any real understanding how we would be changing our communication and it was awkward as I would normally say I would talk to her tomorrow, but now I have no idea when I will talk to her again or how often. We did confirm our commitment to each other and maybe not knowing when we will communicate, how we will communicate, or what we will talk about is what she wants. Maybe after the adjustment is settled, it will be healthy this way.
During our discussion, I provided the fact that most relationship experts would likely advise more communication in a long distance relationship is better for the relationship. At the time I thought that sounded like a common sense reasonable statement. But after, I thought maybe I should check. After a quick google search I read through so many emotional examples that supported my claim that I thought they were too emotion based and decide there is really only one way to summarize something unemotionally, ask ChatGPT.
I asked Chat GPT to provide me information and statistics on how important communication is in a long distance relationship and here is the result:
Communication is often cited as one of the most crucial aspects of maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship (LDR). Here are some key points and statistics highlighting its importance:
Maintaining Emotional Connection: In a study published in the Journal of Communication, researchers found that couples in long-distance relationships tend to communicate more frequently and in deeper ways compared to geographically close couples. This increased communication helps to maintain emotional intimacy and connection despite the physical distance.
Building Trust: Effective communication is essential for building and maintaining trust in a long-distance relationship. According to a survey conducted by the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships, 70% of respondents cited trust as the most important factor for a successful LDR, and communication is a primary way to foster that trust.
Resolving Conflicts: In any relationship, conflicts are inevitable. However, in a long-distance relationship where face-to-face interaction is limited, communication becomes even more critical for resolving conflicts. Research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy suggests that couples in LDRs who communicate openly and honestly about their issues tend to have stronger relationships.
Managing Expectations: Clear and consistent communication is vital for managing expectations in a long-distance relationship. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples who communicate effectively about their needs, desires, and boundaries are better equipped to navigate the challenges of distance and maintain relationship satisfaction.
Technology and Communication: With advancements in technology, couples in long-distance relationships have access to various communication tools such as video calls, instant messaging, and social media platforms. According to a report by the Pew Research Center, 67% of long-distance couples use video calling or video chat services to stay connected, highlighting the reliance on technology for communication.
Frequency of Communication: The frequency of communication varies among couples in long-distance relationships. According to a survey conducted by Cornell University, 85% of respondents in LDRs reported communicating with their partners daily, while 15% communicated several times a week. Consistent communication helps to bridge the physical gap and maintain a sense of closeness.
Impact of Communication on Relationship Satisfaction: Several studies have shown a positive correlation between communication quality and relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who communicate effectively and express affection through various channels tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
ChatGPT concluded, effective communication plays a vital role in the success and satisfaction of long-distance relationships. It helps couples maintain emotional connection, build trust, resolve conflicts, manage expectations, utilize technology for staying connected, determine the frequency of communication, and ultimately, foster a strong and fulfilling relationship despite the distance.
In conclusion, statistics indicate more communication results in a healthier relationship and better satisfaction. I agree that quality communication is important and it is obviously important to my partner and making whatever adjustments necessary to maintain quality communication is something I am more than willing to do. Why does this matter to me? My partner and I have a wonderful relationship based in respect and appreciation for each other which has rapidly evolved into mutual love. Due to circumstances we are long distance and we are making a significant effort to close that gap with frequent visits and healthy communication until our situation changes, which it will soon. I obviously want to compliment her life and contribute to her happiness and be someone who she appreciates and looks forward to being with. I am certain these adjustments are worth the effort and when we permanently close the long distance chapter in our relationship we will be faced with new challenges as we determine how the next chapter will play out. At the end of the day, I know she is special to me, I definitely love her, and can only hope we find the right level of communication to build and maintain the highest level of mutual respect, intimacy, love, and enjoyment while respecting each other’s boundaries and not repeating past mistakes.